musings

by ashwinia


When you get into a dark room, you can’t see much. Hours later, you can; you begin to get comfortable in the darkness, you find light in there. You forget what there is on the outside and you stay cause you’re alright in there while you fear the beyond. One day light seeps in and you peep out. The light is so powerful, it almost blinds you. You peep out again curiously; you see a world that you had forgotten existed. You see how dark the darkness was and how much light you could have used all along.

The world has numerous such cavities–in the hollow of the trees, in the gloomy evening’s air, in the eyes of the girl you met, inside you in the crevices of your reflections, anywhere you’d never look. Some of these are wide open, gaping at you, wondering if you’d care to notice and some are cleverly placed, complacently waiting for you to fall in.

And you fall.

The most fascinating thing is that you don’t know you have fallen and the most dangerous is when you acclimatize to it all.

You wonder at times if you’re doing okay. You tell yourself you are and you try to believe it for it’s the only way to protect your feelings. You dream your dreams in the corners of your mind, away from the world where people can pry through keyholes and you draw a line of it in the air – a horizontal line way above where you are. You look at yourself and around; you draw a second line below, inclined toward the first. The lines will someday concur and you’ll live your dream. You begin to see your life with tinted eyes – a pleasant peach. You imagine good days, you live on memories and beliefs. You absorb joy that doesn’t exist. You get over the bitter with sugar and icing from your dreams. You believe you’re moving up the incline. You keep living.

All along, you’ve been falling. You are falling more. Unaware.

You begin to notice that the bitter gets more frequent and it gets bitterer with each bite. You notice the sharpness in the ups and downs. The steepness and the plunges hurt your back a little, your soul a little more. The instability gets to you at first, but you begin to see the stability in the instability as the ups and downs happen ceaselessly. You begin to seek solace in the stability (of the maniacal instability). You begin to wonder if there’s a world outside, but you fear leaving your haven. You fear letting go of all you own. You hold on to the pain cause if you let go, there’s nothing left. You dive into the recesses of your mind to live your dreams more frequently. You take vicarious happiness from it. You tint your sight a stronger dose of peach.

Until one day.

One day, the plunge doesn’t end. You can feel your intestines moving up as you fall but you’re helpless. You fall with a thunderous thud that leaves the sound echoing in your head for days. For the first time ever, you feel disillusioned. You realize how deep you’ve fallen. You see that the lines you drew were parallel if not divergent, with no possibility of convergence. You take off the tint and see faded brown and wearing out grey. You realize now that you have been falling longer than you can believe.

You can think of nothing but getting yourself wholly out. You give all you got to gather your mess and pull yourself up. You look up and see those that have always been there, with outstretched arms and warm smiles. You’re overwhelmed. You drown yourself in hugs and tears and right away, you start afresh. You inhale the outside. That’s when you peep back in and realize how deep inside you had fallen.

Life isn’t as short as they paint it to be. It’s never too late to give up and never too late to learn to fly.

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